I will never get over how entertaining dreams are.

I've been drinking this kava-california poppy tincture tea before bed and it definitely has been chilling me out. Even if i don't actually fall asleep til late i am much less agitated and anxious, and as a result when i do fall asleep i sleep pretty soundly. I think it also has been creating some strong dreaming in me, sometimes uncomfortably so. I had a nonstop stream of nightmares over the weekend, and the previous night i had brutal work anxiety dreams, including my boss telling me she knows how much i make and therefore she better not see me with a starbucks cup in my hand. Yikes. Last night was a comedy parade, which i really enjoyed. I hurt my back monday while cleaning and my left leg is in a lot of pain, so i really appreciated the lighter tone. I started the evening cleaning out my aunt's cape house as she was moving. There were huge, labrynthine rooms full of awesome junk to explore, and i was hanging with my mom, her brother, my cousin & one of her little boys. as we were cleaning out one such room, my little cousin found an old gun, and, thinking it was unloaded, i let him hold it, but told him never to aim it at a person or at himself. So, he aimed it upwards. And it went off directly through my head, phineas gage style... except! It passed right between both hemispheres, so i was fiiiiiine! I just had a massive hole from my throat to the top of my head (kind of right through my fifth and seventh chakra actually, now that i think of it). I found it funny (as i so often find my own personal injuries) so i started texting several friends about it. HAY GUY I GOT SHOT THROUGH THE HEAD, BLEW OUT MY FONTANELLE and all. The next day i began passing my hand over my scalp, wondering how big the hole was, but when i took it away there was no blood on my hand. So i probed, excepting a hole full of gore, but... nothing. I realized then that, despite the gun going off, maybe all that pain was just a migraine. Whoops! So i started texting my friends back, FALSE ALARM JUST A MIGRAINE. Though gross and freaky, the tone of the whole dream was pretty light-hearted, like getting shot was just a lark.

Fun foods

 as a treat sean & i picked up the egg molds folks use in bento boxes. before he got home i decided to make a few. the bear eggs didn't come out well, but the bunny eggs were cute! to the right you will see the little snack i set up for seal, pluot slices supporting the egg and carrot slices framing it in a silicone wilton's cupcake mold.

to the left you see my egg, which looked ok though not as good as the one i made for sean. i put a wee forest of broccoli behind him, some pluot next to him and created a bower of thinly sliced/shredded carrot to shelter the egg. this was the second one i did so it became more fancy. once i try things once i generally kick up the fanciness/frou-frouness on my next go.

they tasted, as you might imagine, just fine. because they're eggs. just hardboiled eggs. but it was cute setting them up.

now i'm waiting for curry applebread to cool so we can see how well it turned out! anxiety = bakery!

Not a great day, not the worst

My trouble sleeping has been getting worse and it's beginning to make me feel a bit desperate. I can't sleep--or feel like I can't sleep--without medication but I also don't want to be dependent on medication. Simultaneously, i cannot wait to get on ADD medication because i think it might, ultimately, help with my energy issues and my anxiety about getting stuff done. sooo there's that!

i've also been thinking a lot about how i frame my life and what i feel is missing. i still feel like i'm missing a huge spiritual component to my life. i always had one, but honestly it was kind of ground out of me through my twenties, through active and passive discouragement and ridicule. i now find a voice within myself skeptical of the need for spiritual fulfillment... and yet i feel that need. i know not everyone has it or needs it, but i do and i think i need to learn to honor that need and my own individual demands.

i picked up a book on chakras and yoga today because through my teens and twenties yoga was a pretty consistent part of my life and self-care (and self-regulation!) routine. i think i need to reinforce my needs through viewing and reading things that inspire me, not just in an abstract eat, pray, shove sort golly gee i am soooo inspired but in ways that acknowledge who i am and what i need out of life.

anydoot, i'm not feeling great today but looking forward to my psychodrama class this weekend. i am also making bento mold eggs! sean & i bought the bunny & bear set (god, even those words are so cuuuute) yesterday after class at porter exchange, and i'm making some now. i already broke two eggs a bit, but whatever, this is a trial batch.

i really love making pretty edibles and this is another, little, way i can nourish myself and enjoy a bit of creativity. i really want to make the star wars cookies as my dad bought the cookie cutters for me this summer and i loveloveloveLOVELOVE decorating cookies. it makes my back ache from leaning over and my head hurt from eyestrain, but lord i love making them. i remember when i first starting decorating cookies (i'm actually way less into it than i used to be!) i made a batch of monet waterlily cookies. they were very pretty, even though i hadn't perfected the recipe yet, and i want to set aside the time to really hyperfocus and get hella into making some pretty pretty things that--best of all--i can give to people and make everybody happy!

wait that's probably pathological. oh who cares, i have cookie disorder and no shame.

i thought i was done with this.

maybe it's the time of year, maybe it's the time of man? hopefully not the latter, because that would be a Problem.

while listening to rasputina's latest (excellent) album, i had a bit of a flashback. in some ways, it ways it was a really good flashback. i remembered the way my little brother (then about ten or eleven) capered and goofed to cheer me up after i reported the sexual assault at my music camp (like band camp! ah ha! hilarious!). but, on the way home, the song "the two miss leavens" in combination with my recent reading of judith herman's trauma & recovery made me realize how hard that event hit me.

a part of me died that summer, a young joyous part of me. i am not dead now, and hopefully will not be for a long time, but an innocent part of me died then. i recounted the assault, and how his hands felt on my throat, and the rough concrete sound-proof walls felt on my back, to two camp counselors, the campus police, the regular police, another police-woman and to an officer with my parents (a totally easy and super awesome task).

i was a wee feminist and knew already that speaking out about the assault was a political act. but my mistake was thinking that describing it would somehow exorcise the experience. it still hurt and it still hurts.

anyway, back to my baby brother... he was still a kid, and he knew something was wrong but he didn't know what. but, as young as he was, he wanted to protect me and heal whatever was wrong. and somehow that still exhausts and saddens me more than the actual assault.


why does compassion hurt more than cruelty, even sixteen years later? am i crying because of the anniversary? why does my brother's innocent, protective love make me cry? why doesn't the memory of louis' thick, slug-like tongue down my throat and his cold, wide hands on my neck wound like my brother's running and jumping?

i want to be there for victims and survivors and thrivers alike but i feel like i have to wrestle with and understand this phenomenon on my own terms first. maybe i will be able to do so without this work, but i'm still haunted in many ways. i wish i weren't, and sometimes it makes me feel like a bad or weak feminist and woman to experience this but... so it goes. and so it is.

though my brother and i aren't super close and have little in common i am still so grateful for his love and support. he's a bro, in addition to being a brother, but he's a very loving guy and very kind. i wish we were closer sometimes, and maybe someday when i can deal with this more productively i will fin that relationship easier.